I’m already too far gone, but I have a warning for whoever is reading this: When you see a boy who is as bright as the sun, and he laughs the loudest, and he talks too much, and he’s a gentlemen, DON’T GO NEAR HIM. That boy is broken. That boy is using his laugh, and his smile, and his speech to cover up a story that will burn you when you hear it. It will hit too close to home, and neither of you are in the position to fix each other. He can’t fix you, and dammit you cannot fix him, no matter how hard you try. You can smile at him, and have dinner with him, and talk to him about the universe. You can tell him over and over that he has galaxies inside of him and that he is something special, but he won’t believe you. And he won’t be able to reciprocate. When you’re sad, he won’t know how to make you happy, because he will be relying on you to be the happy one. When he sees that you’re sad, it will negate everything you’ve ever told him about happiness. He will think you were lying when you said that it gets better and every day will not be like the last.
And for God’s sake, do not go after him even when he’s shown you how broken he is. Stay friends, but do not allow yourself to fall in love with that boy, because he is poison disguised as wine. He will temp you, and he will ask you for your company, but he does not care about you. He’s in the business of not being alone, and all you are is a moment out of a thousand that he can escape his own mind. Don’t change yourself in order to make a home for him. His problems are not yours, and although you see yourself in him, you are not him. We are all only human, but if we think that we are monsters then that’s what we’ll become. If he thinks he is a monster, if he warns you that he will hurt you, run away. Because if you’re left broken, it will only enforce his belief that he is a monster, and it will only make you seem naive.
I know he’s beautiful, I know he thinks in ways that fascinate you, I know he is kind, and I know he has nothing but good intentions, but he has to save himself. And you have to save yourself. Do not look for savior in a boy, and do not offer savior to a boy. Because the inevitable downfall will be that much more earth shattering when you’ve become more to each other than just a chapter in the story of your separate lives. Because they are separate, and they can not support each other.
I’m already too deep, I’m going to continue to try to save this boy from himself, but it will not end well. I am scared. He scares me, because he is a raw nerve. He is all emotion and no shield. He has no walls, he has nothing but honesty and pain and saddness and I want to save him so terribly. Even if I am left to pick up my own pieces, I want him to walk away shining like the sun the way he was the first day I saw him. But you cannot live just to fix others. You have to be whole yourself before you can start putting others back together. I am in no position to put this boy back together, I am not a whole person as it is. I am broken and I am sad and I am still trying to forget people who have left and people who I left and people who hurt me and who I hurt.
But my God, he is the sun.