Nights Like These

there are nights like these, when the windows are open and a storm is blowing in. i can smell the rain in the air and i remember last summer. i can’t believe it’s been close to a year since you first said hello. the first night we met we talked until the sun was about to rise. now that i think about it, all of our memories are during the night. either as the sun is setting or as it rose.
i don’t even remember what we talked about that first night, i just know it lasted forever and yet still not long enough. when we went our seperate ways you hugged me. i thought that was odd. i never was a fan of hugs, now all i want to do is hug you.
i remember when you asked if you could kiss me. i’ve never been kissed the way you kissed me. i’ve had drunk kisses with best friends and drunk kisses that made me feel sick and lonely kisses and kisses that make ashamed. but i never had before, or since, a kiss that was innocent and sweet and a kiss that made me feel safe and cared for. a kiss from someone i could fall in love with. i wasn’t any good at it, but you said you didn’t mind.
i remember laying naked next to you, and not worrying about how i looked. not worrying if you thought i was beautiful because i knew you did. i remember wincing when you ran your fingers down my back because it tickled. i remember falling asleep after you left and feeling like nothing could ever go wrong again.
i remember pushing you away.
i remember realising i shouldn’t have.
i remember when it was too late.
i remember practicing in the mirror how i would tell you “I love you.” when we finally saw each other again.
i remember hugging you on Christmas. I remember when you said you really wanted to kiss me. I remember telling you you could do whatever you wanted, and then we both laughed at an innapropriate joke you made. i remember you saying, “Come here.” in that way you do, and kissing me. i remember crying because i knew that this was probably the last time i’d ever feel you against me in that way. i remember not wanting to let go of you, and when we finally parted, “fade away.” it started to snow and you drove off and there’s this lump in my throat and i can’t stand it and i want you so badly it burns.
i remember when all we ever did was fight, and it was only through text. i remember asking if the only answer was to not talk anymore. i remember not talking to you for a week and wanting to die.
all i do is remember you. all i do is lay in bed and try to go back in time and change everything. i wish i would have stayed. i wish i could come to you now.
but i know that is not the solution. all i can do is hope that a few years from now we’ll run into each other in a grocery store, and be so surprised that we’re seeing each other. we’ll reminisce and fall back in love and all will be well.
i’m not over you. i don’t think i ever will be. and it breaks my heart. 

most days i’m fine. most days i realise that there’s nothing wrong with being alone, and that i shouldn’t put my happiness on whether you’re here with me or not. but then there are nights like these, where i wish the the wind that’s blowing in this storm would blow me away to anywhere you are. and i want to cry. but i’ll wake in the morning and feel better. i shouldn’t be so upset, i should be happy with my independence and the great speech i gave on Virginity last week and the compliments my teacher gave me. i should be happy with my friends and my family. 

i should be. but then there are nights like these. 


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