Conversations I Have With You In My Head

“You know, I was almost in a good mood. Despite my usual inner monologue of anxiety fueled irrational rage, I was ALMOST in a good mood. This close.” She held out her index finger and thumb to show less than an inch of space. “Then you showed up. Good call.”

It was noon on a Thursday, the skies were grey and the ground was half covered  in white snow and muddy grass. She stood in the doorway looking down at Him, who stood a few steps below Her. His brows were raised in a way that showed He was empathetic and the downward curl of the right corner of His mouth told Her He was nervous. He came with a speech prepared.

She turned around and walked toward the kitchen. He followed, pulling the screen door shut behind Him.

“Do you want something to drink? Coffee? Sweet tea? Milk?”

“No.” He paused, “well maybe a water.”

She filled a glass and slid it across the island toward him, bartender style.

“It’s been a year since I’ve seen you, 6 months since we spoke. Now you’re knocking on my door with sad eyes? That’s laughable, —-.”

He stared into his glass, “I know.”

She sighed, “So, did she leave you? Or just cheat on you and wait for you to figure it out?”

Still staring into his glass, he muttered “She left.”

“Oh! I’m not even going to try to mask my happiness. Did she grace you with a reason or just disappear in the night and send you an excuse a couple weeks later? Cause the latter would be incredibly ironic.”

“—-, come on…”

“No! You come on, —-. Are you here to apologize, tell me what a mistake you made, how much you love me? Cause if so you can save it! You may have left me as a puddle of puppy dog eyes and I love you’s, but don’t forget how you found me, and who I’d been for years before you came into the picture.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because that’s who I am. Remember when you first met me, and came onto me, asked me out to dinner, asked to kiss me. I told you I didn’t date, and wasn’t interested in serious relationships. I’m still not. The bitch is back! I’ve always wanted to say that.”

They both laughed for a moment before the serious tone settled around them again. She was staring through a wall wondering if she should take him back, escort him out, or maybe just continue her deflection technique of being angry and glib and hope he didn’t notice she was thinking all these things. He was staring at her hair, remembering how it smelled, how it felt in his fingers, and wanting nothing more than to tell her.

“Say it then.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “You came here for a reason. Say it.”

He took a deep breath, only half hoping it was his last, and looked her in the eyes, the first time he’d held her gaze in his in over a year “I came here to do just that. Apologize, tell you everything.”

She felt the pit in her stomach grow, only half hoping it would swallow her whole. She took a deep breath and hoped she’d be strong enough to turn him away. But you never know what you’ll do in those situations until you’re there.


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