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Something Like Foregiveness

I dreamt of him for the first time in a long time, its pouring outside. he runs in  the front door, shaking the water off his jacket as he pulls it off his head. He sees me and walks to the back room .he paces, and – as if I can hear his thoughts – he wonders why im here and what he should do before he decides to act cool and just sit down on the couch.

For some reason I sit next to him and just start saying all the things I’ve been thinking for the last few weeks. I tell him I forgive him for the things he did. I tell him its been almost three years, we can be cool, if he wants. I remind him that we did have good memories, the others begin to leave the room and I realise I’ve been talking to him as if we were alone. And then I’m awake and I say his name with a question mark at the end as his face fades from my mind and the morning sun breaks through.

I force myself out of bed, into a shower that should wash away the memory of the dream, but doesn’t. I get dressed, and make my way to work.

Every face I pass almost looks like him for a moment and I can’t shake it.

A friend suggests I look up the meaning behind my dream. I ponder what it could mean. I know that I don’t still have romantic feelings for him, I know that the few feelings I had for him have been long faded, but there’s something I can’t shake.

I get home in the evening and google dream meanings. It gives you a search engine, where you can put the theme of your dream in and it will give you all the information on that particular subject.

I type ‘Forgiveness’.

There’s a list a mile long about all the different types of forgiveness you can dream about. And somewhere in the middle it says to dream you forgive someone means you need to let go of resentment, a past grudge or GUILT.

GUILT.

GUILT.

There it is. That ugly word.
I look away from the screen even as I type. I treated him poorly. I started it. I treated him poorly right out the gate.

So I need forgiveness. That’s what’s been eating away all this time. It’s guilt. I feel guilty for using him for comfort after I had my heart broken. No one wants to feel unwanted, especially after they’ve felt wanted for so long. So I invited him home, not once, not twice, but several times. I showed him the music I wished I were showing someone else. I let him sleep next to me, while I dreamt he was another.

I need to be forgiven… not him. I was selfish and lonely and I let it destroy me, and I decided to take him with me.

im older now. i’ve learned things aren’t as simple as they look, especially when involving people. people are complex and so so grey. no one is good or bad, we’re all just made up of complicated decisions and unfortunate events that follow us and shape our future decisions or do the exact opposite and maybe some day some great all knowing being will line up all those decisions and events and decide whether we were good or bad but as a measly mortal like myself who am I to decide these things?

I hurt you. That feels like a million years ago. I’m not even the same collection of atoms as I was then. But it was me. It was still me that hurt you.

And I’m sorry.

 

 

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